Meds: Is More Better?

I take a large dose of a second-generation anti-psychotic medication that I've been on for 18  years. It's my go-to medication when I struggle with voices and delusions. Lately I've found that my current dosage isn't enough to get me through even a "regular" day. So I'm increasing the dosage by 33 percent, which is helping me. The trade-off is that it contributes to my negative symptoms of schizoaffective disorder, which isn't helping me. So is more better?

Depression

I am battling with depression. Barely able to move in the morning, I stumble from bed to get dressed without showering, brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. Everything is overwhelming and nothing seems possible. I wonder what other people think of my disheveled appearance and worry that I'll fail at everything I do. I have to be present as a father and husband. I have to perform well at work. I don't have choices about these things. I don't know what to do.

A Small Thing

I'm not wearing my glasses today because I am feeling dissociated. When I feel this way it's hard for me to take in all of what I see and hear. The stimuli are too much. So I take a break from sharp eyesight so I am better able to navigate my way through the day.

Humor

A friend lent me a book that I've been reading and laughing at for awhile now. This is the first time in a long time that I have laughed so much. I like to think that at one time I had a good sense of humor and enjoyed fun, but now I think I'm not remembering correctly because I seldom laugh or even smile now. And I think this is either a negative symptom of my schizoaffective disorder or related to my general flat affect and apathy. Although I still hear voices and have bouts of paranoid delusions it seems that most of my struggles are with the negative symptoms, including my inability to have fun and lack of motivation. I know my depression plays a role too, but reading this book is telling me that I still have some ability for laughter and that if I purposely sought it out I might surprise myself. This reminds me that we have a collection of Calvin and Hobbes comic strips, which I now think I will pull out and read some every morning. Hey - wait a minute - am I actually doing something about a trait that bothers me? Hmm. Maybe I'm doing better than I thought.

Meds

I'm in a new phase with my meds, some of which I've taken for nearly 18 years. I'm trying to reduce my anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic meds while increasing my anti-depressant. I've been doing this for 3 weeks and so far I haven't had any bad episodes. Yes, I've heard voices and felt overwhelming anxiety, but I had these symptoms when I took the higher doses. I don't like to name the meds I'm on because I don't want others to think what I take and do with my meds is something they should or can try. My experience is that meds are completely individual with no predictability of how we respond. That's all I have for today. I just wanted to share that I'm experimenting with my meds - with my doctor's okay and oversight.

Resilience

I have lived with mental illness symptoms since I was a small child. I recognized that I heard voices when I was 12 and learned that I had schizophrenia after reading a TIME magazine article when I was 17. I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type II 17 years ago when I was 39 after committing crimes and harming others. I take a fair amount of medication and still struggle with self-hate. The most important lessons for me revolve around my resilience, my good response to treatment and my support from family and friends. Although I have been incarcerated and unable to work for several years I am more fortunate than many others I know who live with mental illness. I am now employed full-time at a job I've had for more than 2 years and I have learned a lot about self-care during the past 17 years. I kept this blog for a couple of years about 9 or 10 years ago and I'm starting it again now to pass on some of what I've learned. I've made so many mistakes and hurt so many people that I am often paralyzed by guilt, regret and envy. Let's see where this phase of my journey takes me.