Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Sad today. Not sure what caused it, but I feel dragged down into depression. I was doing okay for a couple of weeks and then this hit me this morning. I wish I knew what causes this emotional free-fall so I could take steps to reduce its effects. I've been in this condition so many times that I have an almost automatic response to make myself feel better. This gives me some hope - not a lot, but some. Time. It will take time and I need to give myself the gift of time to heal. Prayer and meditation help a lot so I need to put these into practice and care for myself.
Monday, December 15, 2014
I read the words "inner confidence" in a book and was struck by how much I want to experience this for myself. It seems it was something I once had as a child, but I don't have it now. Inner turmoil is more descriptive about what I feel physically and mentally. Inner confidence means trust - in myself, God, friends, family, coworkers, strangers, etc. Trust is very difficult for me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do to have it, to manifest it. What would trust feel like? Inner confidence would need to defeat my inner pit of shame and blame, of self-hate and disgust. I want to know how to make that happen.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
I feel lost, not knowing what to do to lift my depression. I thought - again - that it had improved only to be thrown back down into the mess. I'm exercising more, which helps, but my baseline emotions are still too low. I feel buried alive in an earthen grave and I don't have anything to battle this. I feel isolated and alone. I need to talk to someone or someones, but I'm stymied by my own anxiety about revealing more of myself to a therapist. I've gained some from therapy, but nothing that consistently helps. Buddhist ideas and actions have been more helpful as have 12-step program suggestions. So what do I do? More meds.
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm dissociating quite a lot this morning. For me this isn't such a bad thing to have happen. I get some work done, but I just don't connect to it - or anything or anyone else. Because I'm so used to it I don't feel worried. There are a lot of worse things I could be experiencing. I'm even dissociated from my dread. It is like morphine for pain - the pain is still there but I just don't really connect with it. Oh, this will probably wear off and I'll be miserable again at some point today. That's just how life rolls with me. Feeling like I do now gives me a new perspective on self-hate. I look at it to see what it can teach me. A lot of my self-hate is driven by my expectations about what I believe others expect about me. Completely illogical. My stomach gets wrenched into tight, painful, convoluted knots. I think it's a positive sign that I think I'm a mistake instead of thinking that others are the problem. I think suicide thoughts become more serious when the suicidal person begins to hate the people and circumstances in their life. The only way to get rid of these people and circumstances becomes suicide because we don't have the self-acceptance and self-love needed to believe in ourselves and live with the external pressures we torment ourselves with. In other words, when external hate joins with self-hate suicide risk increases. Obviously, right? Well I don't have external hate so I don't consider myself at risk for suicide. Yes, I have lots of times during the day when I think I should be be dead and I want to erase myself. But erasing myself won't change my past and killing myself will only alter the futures of those I leave behind. I care too much to have that happen.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
I took all of my meds when I woke this morning. It was a very bad time and I needed to stop my hallucinations and paranoia as quickly as possible. I'm happy to say it worked. I know this is not something my - or any - doctor would approve, but I couldn't face today without help. I meditated and exercised too and both of these activities helped as well. But I was in bed, in the dark, head under the covers, in the fetal position and I knew, I just knew, that I wasn't going to make it through the day. It all seemed too much, too difficult and overwhelming. Paralyzed and in pain. So I said fuck it and took the meds. I managed to exercise a bit after that and in 3 hours I was feeling much better. I still have a little paranoia, but I've learned ways to work with that. I'm still okay, but if I need to take more meds I definitely will.
Friday, October 17, 2014
My mood is dropping, along with my energy. I walked at lunch so I don't think it's related to a need for exercise. My lethargy overcomes my alertness. How do I sustain alertness throughout the day? Music might be something to try. I do become more productive while I listen to music. It's worth a try. So much depends on setting up the right support system. Sometimes I think I try too much to maintain serenity. I'm able to let my mood go up and down throughout the day, but I don't want a down mood to last more than 30 minutes. At that point, paralysis sets in and my physical and psychic energy are zapped. I sink and fall through sheets of broken glass. Recovery becomes more and more difficult. I lose the battle and give up on the remainder of the day. Defeat.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I feel okay today and I felt okay on Monday and Tuesday too. Not fine or pretty good. Not so-so or not good. Okay. I'm managing my life with some mindfulness and attempts to normalize my routine. I know the ups and downs will continue daily and I'll have a bout with self-hate at some point as well. Maybe I'm finally understanding that nothing lasts, everything changes. And I'm turning my life over again. To hp. I'm reminding myself of what works for me. I pray. So is my depression lifting? I need another 2-3 weeks of okay before I'm ready to declare myself depression-free. For now. For a little while. Never forever.