Resilience

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I've only seen him three times since my previous psychiatrist died so I'm still getting used to being with someone new. There's a lot of history that he needs to know about, but the sessions don't allow for long conversations about my past. Be patient, I tell myself. Things will be told in the right time. This attempt at patience is one way I'm trying to increase my resilience. Meditation is another step I take to feel better during each day. I had a busy day yesterday and noticed that I felt better than I had for several days because of having things to do. I struggle when I'm thrown back on myself with little planning or no obligations. I haven't found a balance between planning too much and thus increasing my anxiety and planning too little and feeling useless and worthless. I just tell myself not to give up, even during the worst times. I have to believe that pain and suffering will pass.

Premonition

Death is here. Two bad episodes since I began crying for no apparent reason. I don't know if I really believe this is a precursor to death or bad/sad events, but I've learned not to ignore it. I start praying for everyone I know in a magical attempt to exempt them (and me) from disaster. Why do I believe magic will work? It's a sign of distorted hope. The two recent episodes had a direct impact on my family and now I'm anticipating worse news. I have other superstitions that demonstrate twisted, magical thinking: pennies, numbers ... I notice these are strongest when I am depressed. Yes I am depressed, feeling useless and worthless. I'm preparing myself for bad outcomes. Catastrophizing. Everything I am and do is a mistake.

Dissociation

I have been strongly dissociated for the past couple weeks. I am very much outside myself and don't have any sense of what's been happening lately. It's not quite a fugue, but there are similarities. The main difference is that I know I'm not with myself, while in a fugue I don't have that self-knowledge. It's a bit scary because I wonder if I will reach a tipping point and not ever return to myself. I pray and meditate as much as I can remember to do so. These help a bit, but I need to do more grounding activities. The problem is that I can't think of any.

Edge

My moods are swinging up and down several times each day. I feel as if I'm on the edge of a cliff constantly ready to topple over. I'm trying to learn to step away from the edge, but it's difficult to do with my voices being as strong as they are now. Hopelessness seems to be the only choice. And giving in might be the wise course to take. I only know really that I can't continue in this unstable condition for long. I will break and the question is how bad the break will be.

Confusion

I'm beginning to forget more than usual. Perhaps it is caused by growing older. Maybe it's part of my illness and medication. Probably a combination of both. I don't really have anything to anchor me to the days. I wake and don't know the day or date. Most of the time my mind is in some type of fog related to all of the medication I take. I'm probably over-medicated, but whenever I lower my dosages or change medication I become delusional and psychotic; my anxiety is overwhelming.

Well-being

My pretty-good days are back. If I limit what I believe I must do, then I feel relatively well and stable. I still have to fight against my voices, paranoia and anxiety, but I feel better prepared to do so. It's a bit easier to combat my paralysis, which overcomes me several times each day. Perhaps I'm learning to trust myself to handle my emotions.

Stability

Stability is a day-to-day or even hour-to-hour issue with me. I swing through moods up and down several times in a day. I'm learning not to hold onto any one feeling, but to just feel whatever it is and let it pass on its own. Actuallly, I've been trying this approach for several years but only now am I having some success with it. It's a fragile situation and one that I hope strengthens to give me motivation and momentum.