Wednesday, June 18, 2014
I am falling into depression again, anxious that bad news is coming. I am paralyzed with anxiety and hopelessness. I want to pull myself out of this, but I'm not capable of it. I know that it will pass and that I'll feel better eventually. The wait, however, is difficult. I have no energy to interact with my family or co-workers. Everything seems to be too much, too big to overcome. And I have a loop of self-hate running in my mind, telling me I am a worthless piece of shit and should be dead. I am trying to counter these thoughts by breathing in the bad and breathing out the good, not only for myself but for others who experience self-hate too. It's probably the only useful thing I can do right now. And pray.
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Joy can be quiet, calm confidence that emanates from a place of balance and peace. My prayer as action. And my action as prayer. Am I ready to commit to being a good person - to want to be a good person? Goodness itself. Being, living good. Not just avoiding the hell-pit of self-hate. But instead to take positive, healthy steps to be good. I'm 52 and this is a bit late in realizing this. I've been too focuses on staying alive and somewhat sane. I was too wrapped up in my illness, which means being too negatively self-centered. Of course this is my thinking and feeling now, today, at this moment. I will change. Depression, apathy, self-loathing will all overcome/overwhelm me at some point. The key is to remember goodness and joy when that happens. Will I remember to use the lessons I've learned? Or will I seal myself in a tomb of self-hate?
Saturday, February 22, 2014
I am a bad person and have been since my earliest memories. Committing crimes didn't make me a bad person; I was already bad long before that. It's hard for me to come up with anything showing I have value and worth. I'm plagued by the questions of how to redeem myself, how to live a life with goodness. This view underlies much of my anxiety and paralysis. If I do nothing, then I won't be causing harm. And I'll at least be a neutral person then, right? Wrong. Doing nothing abdicates all responsibility and causes its own harm. It upsets the people around me who see me sitting, staring into space, doing nothing. I believe they devalue me because of this. Right now I'm in the middle of a depression that started about three weeks ago. My only active thought is that I should kill myself. What frightens me is that I'm not telling myself not to give up on myself. I'm not combating my suicidal thoughts. I just think maybe I'm right. Maybe I should be dead. Maybe I'm done living. I can't think of anything that I would contribute to or anyone I would bring happiness to. And really my negative narcissism is so ingrained that I know I don't bring or even worse cause happiness to or for other people. That's their life, not mine. My life is a mistake. I have no interests, nothing to hold onto. I'm isolating myself systematically now. Death has been around me for about two months and it continues to hold onto me. Clutching me. Suffocating me. I do not breathe life or goodness. Death would be better. Nothingness would be an improvement. Anything to relieve this pain.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I am back to waking with dread. A clenched stomach. Stress carried in my shoulders and neck. Immobilized by catastrophizing and thoughts of death. Death seems very close, hovering just above my skin. When death touches it punctures me, twists its way throughout my body. My mind is stopped and I wait for I do not know what. Each now precipitates a next of self-hate and fear. I think I fear feeling fear the most. I fear stopping and being paralyzed about what to do, think, feel, wonder. Death incapacitates me, promising more anxiety and dread. How do I stop this? How do I change?
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I am going up and down emotionally several times each day. I think this might be the case for people without a mental illness as well. For me, it is difficult to manage my thoughts through these mood waves. And I wonder (again) about the connections between thoughts, moods and emotions. What is feeling? And attitude or perspective? I think I wrote before that I am choosing a certain understanding of these terms/experiences. I think and this leads to emotions that lead to feelings. I don't know where attitude and mood fit in. Feelings live in my body and mind. I want to think this through more.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
My moods are pulling me to highs and lows every few minutes. I don't know what's causing this. According to my psychiatrist I should be stable and nearly normal given the seven meds I'm taking now. That's not happening, however, so I must be doing something wrong. Voices are winning today; it's a battle I'm not equipped to face right now. Maybe meditation will help.
Friday, August 30, 2013
My schizophrenia is progressing to the point where I not only lack motivation and initiative, but I also lack recall, speech and cogent thinking. A recent conference on schizophrenia had a presentation on neurocognitive treatments for schizophrenia, but the results of the studies were not encouraging. So I will continue to slowly see my mind seep away from me and - hopefully - come to the day when I no longer know myself in a gentle, nonviolent manner. Now I'm crying because I don't want to lose my mind, but I don't see any alternatives. I don't want to lose my mind. I want to remember and connect with the people I love, but the usual course of the disease to is to ever more lose contact with reality and a sense of oneself. This is the root of my current depression, which I feel might last awhile.I'm worthless and should be dead so I am no longer a burden. I will miss much of my loved ones' lives, but they will be relieved of the burden to take care of me. I cry because I don't know any other response. I cry because most of my life has been pain that I've caused others and myself.