Welcome to A Life WIth Mental Illness

This is a record of living with mental illness and its effects on all aspects of my life.

Thursday, July 30, 2015

Sprial Down

It's not even 9:00 and I feel awful. I've taken more of my anti-psychotic medication so I will wait to see if that helps. It could depress me even more, but my hope (such a stupid thing) is that it will clear up my thinking - voices and paranoid delusions. I'm fighting against reality instead of living with it. Prayer and meditation aren't helping. Maybe helplessness and hopelessness are what I need. They might stop me from fighting against what's really going on. If I could only stop talking and stay quiet within myself. Everything is a problem. Everyone is an enemy. This is not real and I know it, but I'm not accepting it. This just makes me feel worse because I know fighting is futile. I need help, which would be a miracle.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Why This Morning?

Why is it this morning that I wake thinking about death and feeling grief and anxiety? Why is it this morning that prayer and meditation fail me? Why is it this morning that I obsess about my growing old and dying? Why is it this morning that I feel the loss of my family so deeply? Why is it this morning that I keep thinking about suicide? Why is it this morning that I want to die so much? Why is it this morning that my thoughts keep racing even though I take extra medication? Why is it this morning that my gratitude list doesn't help? Why is it this morning that I have so little confidence and courage?

There is nothing special about this morning. All of these thoughts and feelings are sometimes usual for me to experience in the morning. I don't know why. I don't have any answers. It just is. I don't know what to do to change  how I am right now. I don't know what to do to help myself feel better - as if feelings are good or bad instead of just being feelings. I guess the answer to why this morning is why not.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

Morning

I've been waking at 2:30 or 3:00 every morning for the past week. Needless to say I'm a bit of a wreck. And I  wake up with dread. Every morning. I take about 2 hours to move through this feeling/state and then I can eventually move around and do what I need to do. During those 2 hours I take lots of meds, repeat my gratitude list to myself, pray and meditate. The effects last about 2-3 more hours and then I feel anxious and fearful again. So I repeat the steps, which is the only thing I know to do. I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I don't seem to have control over my emotions/feelings. I'm not able to regulate my mood.

Friday, July 17, 2015

It Isn't Getting Better

My depression isn't getting better. I am a zombie most of the time and I feel afraid and guilty. Dread is again my morning companion. I pray. I meditate. I talk to myself. Nothing has worked so far. I'm not sleeping well so I know I need to change that. My medication seems to be working as best as it can. I don't know what to do. Maybe more sleep is the answer. It's helped in the past. I'm also not exercising, which is bad because it really does help my mood. Keeping trying. Don't give up on myself.

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Feeling Down

I've been depressed for about two weeks now, expecting myself to feel better as each day comes and goes. I should know better that doing nothing only makes the situation worse. My medication doesn't seem to be working, but I really don't know if I have the resilience right now to do more. The challenge of going back to work is more than I expected. I need to stay well, but I'm disconnected from family and friends and don't know how to remedy this. Life is too hard. I tell myself that it will improve, but I've lost faith that this will happen. I'm praying and meditating too, but with no noticeable results. I just have to turn all of this over and not catastrophize. Keep moving. Movement makes a big difference. Don't give up on myself. Pray and meditate even more. Try. Care.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Worry and Stress

A major job change is about to happen and I am worried and stressed because of it. I know I'm not handling it well, but I'm stuck in a negative thinking pattern telling myself disaster is the only possible outcome. No confidence. No optimism. Nothing good or positive or healthy to hold onto. A downward spiral that I am too familiar with. Death seems a better option. I fear growing old and facing life with continued anxiety and worry and depression. Death itself sounds fine. I'm disconnected and a little paranoid. The voices are ramping up in the background. Take the day as slowly as possible. Be kind to everyone.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Trough

Down. Sad. Grieving. Lost. These are the feelings and thoughts I woke with this morning. And I had thought that I was doing so well mood-wise. It's true that mornings have been tough, but today was especially so. I feel like I have to climb out of a pit in which I sink further every time I make a move to leave. It's a trap with no way out except to give in to the feelings, wait and let them pass. They hurt while they stick around, but I now know that they will pass. Maybe not for long and maybe only to come back with more strength and negativity. And more pain. I breathe in the pain and breathe out relief from it. And I think of others who have this kind of pain. And I  pray that I might be free of this pain at death.