Thursday, September 18, 2014
I'm swinging again - between depression and okay. That might not sound like much, but okay is pretty near my best mood. My depression has lasted longer than I expected. I thought I was coming out of it in August, but I fell back into it at the end of the month. Lately I've been dealing with voices and paranoid delusions. I doubled my anti-psychotic medication and it helps. I'm sure my doctor won't like me taking so much during the day, but I can't find another way to function. Function is an overstatement of what I really do. Struggle and stumble are more like what actually happens. Falling is part of my reality too. I feel trapped and shaky. I worry that I'll do something wrong so I don't do anything. I fear others' anger and disappointment. None of this is new for me. It's my normal. Some days are better than others, but most days are filled with near-constant challenges. Road blocks, obstacles. I feel out-of-control and continually thrown into a reality I did not choose. Shame, grief, sadness hang around my body, dragging me down further.
Friday, September 12, 2014
I am underwater, walking the bottom of a large pond or small lake. All around me are dead bodies, translucent and grotesque. I wake myself from this dream three or four times, but I continue to return to it. Finally I give up and stay awake. It's 3:00 a.m. and I know it will be a difficult day.
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
I got my med yesterday and am beginning to resurface. I'm doing okay, which is pretty good for other people. For me it's even better than that, but I fear undermining myself by becoming too optimistic. Gee, do you think I self-stigmatize? I'm not as dissociated as I was the past few days, although my "I hate myself" voice is pretty strong today. I really have become used to it. I don't really notice when it's absent, which is probably something I need to work on. I'm using self-talk a lot, which is hard to remember and even harder to accept. Surprisingly, my envy has been held in check. No real reason that I can think of, but it's a nice change. It won't last. Nothing does. I need to stop grasping, clutching at whatever mood strikes me, even the difficult ones. I hold on to these too because I'm used to feeling bad and being in crisis. I wonder what the relationship is between serious mental illness and PTSD, which is a serious mental illness of its own. Being bombarded with self-hate and symptoms for years might bring about conditions like PTSD. I want to explore this more.
Monday, September 8, 2014
My pharmacy screwed up - again - a refill for one of my antidepressants, so I've been without it for five days. I compensate by nearly knocking myself out with an anti-psychotic med. Ol' reliable, tried and true. Anyway it's going to get rougher to stay stable unless I get my correct meds tomorrow. I'm very dissociated and my level of underlying depression, which is almost always with me, is rising. I was having trouble with depression before this happened. This is compounding an already not-good situation. I"m sorry to complain, but I work hard to remain stable and not cause disruptions for my family. Obviously I need to change pharmacies. I've done all I think I can do: visited the pharmacy twice; called my psychiatrist twice; called the pharmacy three times. It just confirms my belief that I'm a mistake and don't matter. I wish I were dead.
Friday, September 5, 2014
I'm relatively stable today, but feel uneasy about it, as if it could slip away at any moment. I'm being cautious about what I do and taking my time with each task. I still have a lot of anxiety, but my medication is working at the moment so I feel better. I'm grateful for this break from dread, which is debilitating and sad-making. I still worry a lot about the near and distant future. Everything and everyone feel fragile, on the point of breaking or falling apart. Depression is absent right now, which is a blessing. I need to focus more on what I'm grateful for in my life. I have a lot of thanks to remember and focus on. Care.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
I do nothing in order to feel safe. If I do nothing, then I don't cause harm, no one notices me and no one with overwhelm me with their anger at my doing something wrong. I have caused enough harm and I want to avoid causing more at almost any cost. Of course I was afraid of being wrong causing others' rage long before I really hurt anyone. Now I take my faults for being the only reality. One of my therapists gave me a list of statements about self-worth. I found it the other day and went through it. I was unable to agree with any of the 23 statements demonstrating self-esteem. And as I was going through the list my self-hate grew as I failed to connect with any positive qualities.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
My anxiety has been increasing these past few weeks, fueled by uncertainty in almost every part of my life - family, finances, friends. It sets off my voices and strengthens my depression. I'm taking a lot of anti-anxiety medication, but it's only having a limited impact. I have had some success with meditation, however, and this shows me that I don't always need to turn to medication when I feel anxious or depressed. Another effect of my anxiety is that I isolate myself more because I am afraid to reach out to people, fearing rejection. Voices and depression are compounded by the paralysis that sets in with anxiety. Everything seems to indicate disaster and failure. My suicidal thoughts continue to hover, but I know I will never take that step. I have a plan, but it would mean possible trauma to other people so I know I will never be serious about it. Strangely it feels good to have the thoughts and plan because it means I am choosing life.