Wednesday, October 22, 2014
I'm dissociating quite a lot this morning. For me this isn't such a bad thing to have happen. I get some work done, but I just don't connect to it - or anything or anyone else. Because I'm so used to it I don't feel worried. There are a lot of worse things I could be experiencing. I'm even dissociated from my dread. It is like morphine for pain - the pain is still there but I just don't really connect with it. Oh, this will probably wear off and I'll be miserable again at some point today. That's just how life rolls with me. Feeling like I do now gives me a new perspective on self-hate. I look at it to see what it can teach me. A lot of my self-hate is driven by my expectations about what I believe others expect about me. Completely illogical. My stomach gets wrenched into tight, painful, convoluted knots. I think it's a positive sign that I think I'm a mistake instead of thinking that others are the problem. I think suicide thoughts become more serious when the suicidal person begins to hate the people and circumstances in their life. The only way to get rid of these people and circumstances becomes suicide because we don't have the self-acceptance and self-love needed to believe in ourselves and live with the external pressures we torment ourselves with. In other words, when external hate joins with self-hate suicide risk increases. Obviously, right? Well I don't have external hate so I don't consider myself at risk for suicide. Yes, I have lots of times during the day when I think I should be be dead and I want to erase myself. But erasing myself won't change my past and killing myself will only alter the futures of those I leave behind. I care too much to have that happen.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
I took all of my meds when I woke this morning. It was a very bad time and I needed to stop my hallucinations and paranoia as quickly as possible. I'm happy to say it worked. I know this is not something my - or any - doctor would approve, but I couldn't face today without help. I meditated and exercised too and both of these activities helped as well. But I was in bed, in the dark, head under the covers, in the fetal position and I knew, I just knew, that I wasn't going to make it through the day. It all seemed too much, too difficult and overwhelming. Paralyzed and in pain. So I said fuck it and took the meds. I managed to exercise a bit after that and in 3 hours I was feeling much better. I still have a little paranoia, but I've learned ways to work with that. I'm still okay, but if I need to take more meds I definitely will.
Friday, October 17, 2014
My mood is dropping, along with my energy. I walked at lunch so I don't think it's related to a need for exercise. My lethargy overcomes my alertness. How do I sustain alertness throughout the day? Music might be something to try. I do become more productive while I listen to music. It's worth a try. So much depends on setting up the right support system. Sometimes I think I try too much to maintain serenity. I'm able to let my mood go up and down throughout the day, but I don't want a down mood to last more than 30 minutes. At that point, paralysis sets in and my physical and psychic energy are zapped. I sink and fall through sheets of broken glass. Recovery becomes more and more difficult. I lose the battle and give up on the remainder of the day. Defeat.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
I feel okay today and I felt okay on Monday and Tuesday too. Not fine or pretty good. Not so-so or not good. Okay. I'm managing my life with some mindfulness and attempts to normalize my routine. I know the ups and downs will continue daily and I'll have a bout with self-hate at some point as well. Maybe I'm finally understanding that nothing lasts, everything changes. And I'm turning my life over again. To hp. I'm reminding myself of what works for me. I pray. So is my depression lifting? I need another 2-3 weeks of okay before I'm ready to declare myself depression-free. For now. For a little while. Never forever.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Yesterday was World Mental Health Day. Bring Change 2 Mind sent an email about this and I forwarded it to friends. The theme was schizophrenia. In my email to friends, I mentioned all of my diagnoses and the outcomes for those of us with schizophrenia. After I sent my email I wondered how many people actually knew about my mental illness. I realized it might have surprised some people and I felt bad about possibly catching them off-guard. There's nothing I can do about it now. I've been dreaming about Dad. These have been pretty pleasant dreams and I've felt better about him because of them. Last night's dream wasn't so nice. I was with him in a city waiting for Mom to pick us up, but I knew she was dead and I couldn't convince Dad of this. He just wouldn't believe me. I woke feeling sad and disjointed. I feel afraid of so many things. Death of a loved one is my primary fear. Since I was a kid I've imagined losing people I cared about, crying about it and being sad. This happened in the afternoon yesterday. I cried and luckily no one was at home with me. I just need to remember not to clutch onto my emotions. Let them come and go naturally.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
My stomach is queasy. My shoulders and neck hurt from tension. My heart is empty. I am doing the best I can to move and manage through each minute. I woke feeling okay, but it's been steadily downhill since then. A crash in slow motion. I have to let go and just feel what comes. I must have written those words hundreds of times over the years, but it is still difficult to put them into action. And so I pray: May we be safe from all harm; may we live with happiness and peace; may we be filled with lovingkindness; may we live at ease with well-being.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
I woke about an hour ago at 3:00 a.m. I woke with a strong feeling of death, as if someone I know just passed away. Now I'm just trying not to feel crummy because of a lack of sleep and a general, low-level depression. I'm failing in my attempt by the way. Self-hate and feelings of failure race through my mind. Envious thoughts about how other people didn't commit crimes or don't have mental illness or have done things that have brought happiness to their families and satisfaction in their careers. Just let the thoughts and feelings pass through me. Don't grab onto them, especially at 4:20 in the morning. Pray.