Wednesday, May 27, 2015
I recently tried to add another anti-psychotic medication to my regime. It didn't work. I became very depressed and had a flood of suicidal thoughts, voices and delusions. It would be nice to add to or replace some of my meds, but each time I've tried it's failed. Not sure what to do other than stop experimenting and learning even more about my current meds and work to stay healthy. Not a lot of room to change. One day at a time. I have to follow this slogan. Not pile things on myself or take on responsibilities I can't handle. Let go and let God. Pray and aspire.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
I'm slipping away from myself, anxious and depressed. I'm sweating, cold and my stomach is clenched in a knot. I took the rest of my daily meds, but that hasn't started to help. I might have to take z again. Sad about all of my mistakes and the people I hurt. Sometimes I feel I can forgive myself for this, but often I beat myself up with it. Exchange and pray.
I'm in a freefall into a pit of self-hate and shame. Yesterday was a terrible day and today is starting out even worse. I don't know what to do. I'm eating well. I'm not exercising because I hurt my foot, but I should be fine by this weekend. It should help some, but I have too much to overcome for a quick fix. Try to handle one issue at a time. I'm listening to music and that helps some. I woke early and feel tired. Really, I can't think of one good topic or feeling or thought. I ate a good breakfast. There that's a positive. Okay - next. I didn't cry today yet. Okay take what you can get. Next. I"m writing and that's good too. Music, writing, good breakfast, self-discipline - alright I have started better than I thought. Still feel unanchored, unsafe. Falling is painful. Begin.
Monday, April 20, 2015
I took more anti-psychotic and anti-anxiety medications this morning. Helped a bit. Sort of made me dissociate from myself, the situation, other people. I know it's not an ideal solution, but I needed the help to make it through. This is a difficult time. I've been through this so many times, but I never really know what's going to help or hurt me. I have a headache too that requires some attention. This all really reminds me of my version of a panic attack. And I'm gaining weight, which distresses me. I worked so hard to lose weight that I don't want to put myself in jeopardy of gaining most or all of it back. Commit. Again and again. Care and move. Again and again. Emptiness.
Sinking into the tar pit of depression. Unable to move my body or mind out of the muck. I spent yesterday writing about death and suicide in my journal as a way of just getting it out on paper, hopefully out of my mind. Didn't work. Woke this morning from a disturbing dream and not able to shake the fear it caused. I just really want to be dead. There isn't another thought I have. Fortunately I'm too depressed to be agitated enough to act on this. That's the positive. And, really, I need to grab all the positive I can. Exchange and pray. That's all I know what to do.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
I woke up depressed and with dread. It took me almost three hours to get out of bed. I doubled my medication for the day with the hope that it will pick me up at some point. Still having thoughts about suicide. I don't want to go back to where I was during 2009-2013. That was nearly unbearable. Eating poorly, not exercising, isolating from family and friends - all spells trouble. I just keep thinking that it would be better for everyone, including me, for me to be dead. I'm trying to just let myself feel these feelings and let them go. It's hard because I want to hurry them away. Pray.
Monday, April 13, 2015
I have sweated through all of my t-shirt and pullover. The sweat stains run down my arms and onto my shoulders and back. I just think death would be easier than this. I'm too isolated. I know I need to reach out, but I'm afraid of scaring people away. What can I do? I am listening to music. I need to dive into the waves and feel the feelings. There's nothing else that I know what to do. Am I having a panic attack? No. It's just self-hate coming on strong. Meditate and take-and-send will help. This will pass. It will.