Saturday, February 22, 2014
I am a bad person and have been since my earliest memories. Committing crimes didn't make me a bad person; I was already bad long before that. It's hard for me to come up with anything showing I have value and worth. I'm plagued by the questions of how to redeem myself, how to live a life with goodness. This view underlies much of my anxiety and paralysis. If I do nothing, then I won't be causing harm. And I'll at least be a neutral person then, right? Wrong. Doing nothing abdicates all responsibility and causes its own harm. It upsets the people around me who see me sitting, staring into space, doing nothing. I believe they devalue me because of this. Right now I'm in the middle of a depression that started about three weeks ago. My only active thought is that I should kill myself. What frightens me is that I'm not telling myself not to give up on myself. I'm not combating my suicidal thoughts. I just think maybe I'm right. Maybe I should be dead. Maybe I'm done living. I can't think of anything that I would contribute to or anyone I would bring happiness to. And really my negative narcissism is so ingrained that I know I don't bring or even worse cause happiness to or for other people. That's their life, not mine. My life is a mistake. I have no interests, nothing to hold onto. I'm isolating myself systematically now. Death has been around me for about two months and it continues to hold onto me. Clutching me. Suffocating me. I do not breathe life or goodness. Death would be better. Nothingness would be an improvement. Anything to relieve this pain.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
I am back to waking with dread. A clenched stomach. Stress carried in my shoulders and neck. Immobilized by catastrophizing and thoughts of death. Death seems very close, hovering just above my skin. When death touches it punctures me, twists its way throughout my body. My mind is stopped and I wait for I do not know what. Each now precipitates a next of self-hate and fear. I think I fear feeling fear the most. I fear stopping and being paralyzed about what to do, think, feel, wonder. Death incapacitates me, promising more anxiety and dread. How do I stop this? How do I change?
Saturday, October 26, 2013
I am going up and down emotionally several times each day. I think this might be the case for people without a mental illness as well. For me, it is difficult to manage my thoughts through these mood waves. And I wonder (again) about the connections between thoughts, moods and emotions. What is feeling? And attitude or perspective? I think I wrote before that I am choosing a certain understanding of these terms/experiences. I think and this leads to emotions that lead to feelings. I don't know where attitude and mood fit in. Feelings live in my body and mind. I want to think this through more.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
My moods are pulling me to highs and lows every few minutes. I don't know what's causing this. According to my psychiatrist I should be stable and nearly normal given the seven meds I'm taking now. That's not happening, however, so I must be doing something wrong. Voices are winning today; it's a battle I'm not equipped to face right now. Maybe meditation will help.
Friday, August 30, 2013
My schizophrenia is progressing to the point where I not only lack motivation and initiative, but I also lack recall, speech and cogent thinking. A recent conference on schizophrenia had a presentation on neurocognitive treatments for schizophrenia, but the results of the studies were not encouraging. So I will continue to slowly see my mind seep away from me and - hopefully - come to the day when I no longer know myself in a gentle, nonviolent manner. Now I'm crying because I don't want to lose my mind, but I don't see any alternatives. I don't want to lose my mind. I want to remember and connect with the people I love, but the usual course of the disease to is to ever more lose contact with reality and a sense of oneself. This is the root of my current depression, which I feel might last awhile.I'm worthless and should be dead so I am no longer a burden. I will miss much of my loved ones' lives, but they will be relieved of the burden to take care of me. I cry because I don't know any other response. I cry because most of my life has been pain that I've caused others and myself.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I've been trying a new medication - two actually. These put me back up to seven psych meds each day. One of the two new medications is an anti-psychotic and it seems to help a bit. I still become paralyzed often during the day. Do I just accept this? I've tried several ways to change this, but I haven't found a solution that works for more than a day or two. I know this is a symptom of my illness and that I'm overwhelming myself into immobility. Everything I think about doing stops me because I think of all the possible negative consequences that doing something will entail. This catastrophizing becomes an avalanche that buries me in negative thoughts. I'm not able to regulate my thoughts, feelings or moods. I end up triggering my voices and then I have to work at addressing them. I spiral down into a dark abyss and wait for relief as best I can.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
My string of okay days has ended. Dread, anxiety and guilt have returned. I am trying to cope with voices telling my I am worthless and should be dead. I'm just trying to remember that these will pass. I've been paralyzed almost all morning so far, which means I am afraid of disappointing someone. I'm back to not knowing what to do. Nothing seems right and I know I'll only make things worse. I believe that I haven't done anything good with my life so why continue. Hopeless and sad.