Friday July 30 2010

I took large amounts of zyprexa, depakote, ativan and percocet to make it through the past four days. I had crashed and the train was off the track. Headlong into destruction. Stress at work brought up heavy paranoia that really frightened me. I haven't been this unwell since last September, which is actually a good sign that I've been well or semi-well for nearly 10 months. Depakote makes me a little nervous because I always respond in a lethargic and groggy way to it. If I can avoid that for the most part then I might be heading into a good phase again. Different from the nine-week period that just ended so abruptly. A more low-key, softer goodness that can guide me to health and well-being. The work issue turned out to be a situation where I wasn't told about an important thing I was supposed to be doing. I accepted all of the blame, but in honesty it wasn't my fault. Drive all blames into one. So I did that. We have tasks we must accomplish this weekend. Dorothy is making arrangements to fix the kitchen cabinets. We offered to do the floor, walls and window covers. Martha is going to talk to Bill about finances. He knows a lot and I'm sure he'll have good ideas about what we can and cannot do. Martha has been really terrific during this difficult time. She's been supportive and curious, which helps me be curious, too. I want to know why I wake one morning and all of the good momentum I had going for me is not there anymore. Gone.Replaced by dread and gloom and a lack of confidence that stifles any type of positive movement on my part. I'm past the I want to die phase, which is good, but I'm not out of the dread territory yet. Martha has dread, too. about me and Ian and where we live. Her job is in there prominently, too. Be kind to ourselves and others. That seems to be the best and most I can ask for.